The Raccoon Society (TRS): Hi Vlad.

PUTIN: I could have you arrested.

TRS: We’ll make this quick. When was the very first time you imagined dominating the world?

PUTIN: Good question. I think I was six or seven. I had just received a set of those logs with the notches in them. I built a village. Then I ran out of logs. 

TRS: So you had used all the logs in your set?

PUTIN: Exactly. I wanted more of them. And then I thought, why stop at little logs?

TRS: Moving on, what do you love most about horseback riding? 

PUTIN: The wind on my chest. 

TRS: Same here. Tell us if this question is too personal: would you consider spending the rest of your life on a peaceful co-op farm in Vermont?

PUTIN: No.

TRS: Many people, after reaching retirement age, choose to mix things up. They might buy an RV and travel their country, or volunteer at a local library. You’ll be 70 soon, and we just wonder if all the paranoia and tyranny has gotten, well, a bit stale for you. Don’t you think a gentle spiritual community in Vermont, where you can harvest raspberries and contribute to weekly Pictionary nights, would be a welcome change?

PUTIN: I’m ending this Zoom meeting.

TRS: Damn. We thought that would work.