The Interview: Vladimir Putin
The Raccoon Society (TRS): Hi Vlad.
PUTIN: I could have you arrested.
TRS: We’ll make this quick. When was the very first time you imagined dominating the world?
PUTIN: Good question. I think I was six or seven. I had just received a set of those logs with the notches in them. I built a village. Then I ran out of logs.
TRS: So you had used all the logs in your set?
PUTIN: Exactly. I wanted more of them. And then I thought, why stop at little logs?
TRS: Moving on, what do you love most about horseback riding?
PUTIN: The wind on my chest.
TRS: Same here. Tell us if this question is too personal: would you consider spending the rest of your life on a peaceful co-op farm in Vermont?
TRS: Many people, after reaching retirement age, choose to mix things up. They might buy an RV and travel their country, or volunteer at a local library. You’ll be 70 soon, and we just wonder if all the paranoia and tyranny has gotten, well, a bit stale for you. Don’t you think a gentle spiritual community in Vermont, where you can harvest raspberries and contribute to weekly Pictionary nights, would be a welcome change?
PUTIN: I’m ending this Zoom meeting.
TRS: Damn. We thought that would work.